Holy hell.

It's been awhile.

There is nothing here anymore.

Empty.

Silence.

Vast.

Dark.

Alone.

Im tired

I'm tired of everyone saying there sorry for things they can't fix.
I'm tire of everyone saying there here for me. I GET IT. You can stop saying it now.
I don't need apologies - I don't need to know your here for me. I.Get.It.

& when was the last time..I slept?

I don't remember anymore. The nights are spent awake. Thinking - tossing and turning. Thinking - I believe that's all I do now. Thinking - more thinking. Trying to find a job as well. Ugh. So much is running through my mind. I owe Manuel a big thanks for showing me eatmewhileimhot! Kick ass band really - I've been listening to them like no tomorrow. Nothing to big to report now...I just want to be happy.

It's been a long time coming.

Haven't updated this thing in what seems like forever -- so much is going on now an time is moving by so quickly. But these last 2 weeks will forever etch themselves into my mind. I go to LA for a week with the help of -- the person I'm going to see; she sends me $100 dollars to help pay for my phone bill that was preventing my way there. Things get taken care of I go to LA, spend time with her have fun and whatnot come back home. Not 2 hours after I come back home I'm sat down and told my grandmothers liver is failing - the first thing that comes into my mind is "How much time do I have left with her?" Mentally I can not take losing her now - though I know one day she will pass on but I am not ready to let her go now. My anger to god? Has risen to it's highest peaks - need there be a god or not I'm sending him the biggest "Fuck you" in a box. My grandma has raised me since I was a baby - she didn't have to and yet she did, she was my mother, my father, my grandmother and my friend. For the last 18 years I've looked up to her and have worked to make her proud -- then I am told another thing. "Were trying to find your mother" Anger, confusion, a sense of being numb - all of it flooded me in less then 10 minutes of hearing everything. My mother left me when I was 4 - I was conceived to a prostitute who sold her body for drugs - that is how I was created and made. My grandmother took custody of me I haven't seen the woman that birthed me in years and yes for my grandmas sake to know if her daughter is dead or alive to tell her everything that's been going on - to just know I want my mother to be found but I? I am a cracking Dam that is ready to break with anger and hate to the woman I once called 'Mom' - I do not know how to take in these things. My time with my grandma is unknown 6 months - a year, five years 10+ years I don't know and I'm scared - look up keep things thinking on the good side right? that's hard very hard and knowing I may...see or hear from my mother makes me sick to my stomach and makes me shake with rage. And then..the day after I get back I've posted via Twitter and Myspace I'm not in the right mood - things are going wrong you my 'best friend' of 5 years texts me to ask "When are you paying me back" I told you when I was there Aug - you'll get your money back. You didn't text me asking if I was okay that day - if my grandma was okay hell you didn't even text me asking me if I got home safely - fucked up? Beyond that actually. I do not understand how you someone I thought once caring and kind could do that - at all. Have I lost respect for you? Yes, I was nothing but kind came to see YOU - used money I could have invested into a laptop for college to see YOU - but that wasn't enough was it? Yes I get you helped me out I was greatful for that - you'll get your money back still but as for our 'friendship' I am un-sure if that will ever be the same after this.

i dont get why

I'm friends or care about people

they just fuck you over

I want a tattoo now.

Haaa I'm gonna be one of those people that goes out and gets inked whenever something

happens yep.

my way of dealing with pain - causing myself pain and making sure its on my body for for ever.

FUCK! Tonight.

Hello world

time for another fucked up ride

Listing to Suffokate

and hoping for some way to get out of manteca for

spring break

oh yes..

i love you

and then the fire burned..

That's kind of how I feel. Like a forest that was scorched I don't know if that makes much sense but I feel like the old person I was about 8 months ago has been burned away and replaced with this person that I don't like at all. Maybe I need another blaze to help this person melt away. Maybe I need to be like a phoenix and rise from the ashes anew haha - cliché if you ask me. I will take what I am given at the moment - withstand the blaze this time and hope when I stand up and brush myself off I can look in a mirror and be if not happy at least somewhat content with the person that I am.

inhale exhale

this get better right?

break it

destroy me

your good at is

Haha it is a trend

I have noticed now that being Edge is a trend - since when? Why are people being something they really aren't if you are edge for reals then you know how to represent yourself. I've been edge for over a year and I've had my problems with drugs and drinking, if you know me then you know the story - I won't explain it here. But why can't people get, being edge isn't a trend it's a lifestyle. Soon everyones going to be edge, in cvhc and godfree haha. NO OFFENSE To anyone don't take it up the ass the wrong way.

This - this is how I feel

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

[Chorus:]
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

[Chorus]

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

[Chorus x2]

i can't care anymore..

because if i do, it's going to destroy whatever there is left of me

So I've been thinking..

a lot lately, and to be truthful it scares me. Today was another day - got up got dressed went to school, came home did the normal thing. I'm so tired of normal - I'm so tired of hearing everyone's bullshit - I want to go far away from it all, lock myself away from everyone and stop caring so much about the people around me. Caring is getting me no where, I think I made a mistake - a big one by sending someone something ugh. This is just...I was hoping somehow it's clear the air but it hasn't I want my old life back - way back when I didn't have a car. Fuck I miss being a kid

reminiscence

So the last few days I've been doing a lot of reminiscence with myself and my life. I remember when my day consisted of going to school - coming home, rolling a blunt and getting high. I remember when my weekend was smoking weed and drinking with 'friends'. It seems like such a long time ago that my life was stuck in a haze of weed, booze and people I thought were my friends. It wasn't that far back but it was far back enough for me to be happy that it's gone. 3 nights ago we were up texting - each other - I told you it felt odd telling you things; and then I found out that you of all people actually read this blog? Haha it kinda threw me off - Hm I can't stay on one topic for too long it bores me; right now I'm bumping some Chelsea Grin and thinking about my life; not that..Chelsea Grin makes me think about my life haha it's just what's on my itunes at the moment. I have a little less than 3 months to think about what I'm doing after high school - and it's freaking me the fuck out. I had everything planned out before and now I'm confused with what I want to do I just know I have to get out of my house that if I stay here much longer I'm either going to do one of 2 things - Kill someone or kill myself and I do mean that with 1,000% seriousness. Hmm the word 'addictions' keeps poping into my head as well as I said above I was thinking about my time spent on Weed and drinking - I didn't have a care then or a worry and I had control over something in a sense - Not that I'm ever going to go back to that FUCK that shit, I'm never going to sell out but I am human and I do get pressured by my own mind to just go out and smoke weed all day but I'm not going to do it because I don't need that shit in my life to make it better I realize that. But if any of you - who read this; if you know me well enough or if you've known me long enough then you know the struggle I had my freshman year with an addiction to pain; Cutting was my vice and don't fucking call me Emo! Goddamnit I wasn't emo then I'm not fucking emo now, I hate motherfuckers that call 'cutters' 'emo' FUCK YOU & your motherfucking LIFE. Okay moving on - that hole thing is coming back again IM NOT SAYING IVE STARTED CUTTING AGAIN check my arms dude there clean. The urges are because during that time in my life I had control over something; even if it meant hurting myself and right now i don't have control over anything in my life and I know I can't control everything I get that but before all the things that have been going on happened I had control and now I don't and it freaks me out. I don't know what to do anymore - I don't know what I need anymore and I - vernisha am fearful for the outcome of all the bullshit around me. I'm confused, angry, hurt, depressed - so far from happy that it feels like someones kicked me into a deep ass hole and yelled "HAVE FUN CLIMBING OUT" I'm not asking for anyone's help really I just have a lot on my mind & I have no clue how to fix or ease my mind so I can find some level of peace. The only peace I get now is when I sleep which is bad I know. Ugh okay this is long enough - still a lot unsaid and it'll probably stay unsaid.

Haven't updated in awhile

It's been awhile.
My shows tomorrow!
I owe a shitload to my mentor =]
Ugh so much on my mind.
I'm so confused
I miss you
but I'm crushing on someone
I want you
but I don't
Hmmm
so confused

Cold

Really its flipping cold right now

Yeee!

Check out my boys new shit

myspace.com/makeyourmark209

those boys are going somewhere

=]

I think I'm sick

In a mental & physical way

Mental; because my aunts back & shes causing hell

Physical; migraines, achey, sick to my stomach, tired

or maybe its a combo of both? I'm not sure anymore

V-day is coming up =/

Memories are gonna kill.

Frustrated about things with merch for my benefit show.

I need a vacation.

God 74 days or something left of school

I need it to be done with

I'm scared though - I don't know if I'm ready to leave CA behind. Might stay for a year work on my photography or something

unsure of what I want to do now. I love how I knew and then...I got scared

fear = shit

tired

I should be sleeping.

I keep thinking of her

It's horrid

I want her out of my mind & yet she's there all the time

=/ seeing her if she comes to my benefit show...

is going to...hurt

There isn't a name

There isn't a name for what I feel
lost,alone,confused,angry,depressed,hurt,annoyed,sad,happy

I'm a volcano and I'm going to explode.

how could be so heartless

I've had the damn song stuck in my head all day.
Along with a killer headache/earache ugh so having today off was sick. Got to catch up on sleep and today I'm gonna be busy editing pics.
Yeah; still got a lot on my mind & no one to vent to anymore.
Ahhh~ I miss the old days. When i didn't care so much.

It only hurts a little bit

I just wish

you'd see me

here

with arms wide open

ready to catch you if you fall

I try and try and try

but it seems the more I try
the deeper I fall.
the more I fall, the less I care.
I haven't hit this kind of depression in a few years.
The things I loved - even photography
is getting harder and harder to do.

I just don't care about anything anymore.
I hate it.
I miss being carefree
I miss not wanting to cry all the time.

Depression sucks -
today was my great grandmothers birthday - she died May 19th 2004.
I miss her. She was the rock that held my family together
and when she died we all drifted apart.
I'm doing good in school (odd)
I have all A's & B's which is a big thing for me.

I want to make my grandma proud and I'm really trying to do it.
I hate the fact that certain things remind me of someone.
I want to rid my mind of this someone.
I've been tattered and torn to many times.
I want something real this time.

Now getting it - is something that may
or may not happen. I never do get what I want.
I want to be selfish sometimes.
But I can never really be.
I want to sleep for forever.
But i'd be letting my grandma down.

I don't see a point in getting up in the morning
but I force myself to.
I'm kind of at a loss and I really don't know what to do.
I miss our friendship but I know it's never going to be the same.
I hate it. I'm lost in the sound of tension around me.

Depression wears off I guess.
My grandmas depressed and so am I.
I'll smile just so you know I'm really okay.
If you know me - you'll see through me.
I really wonder just - how sane I am.

I really need something. But I don't know what that something is.
If you can find that something. Give it to me.

Depression - sucks

Last night was amazing. Sore and tired from it but today; i dunno i've just been depressed all day. I wanna break down and cry and i've been close to doing it a few times. theres so much drama going on here at home with my Aunt Ida - if any of you know her then you know what she causes in my home. im tired of it all; i can't wait to get out and go to college. i think im getting sick again too, my coughs coming back but i dont care anymore. ive been doing well in school better than i thought it'd be doing and im happy with myself for it. Then there's a guy too not gonna say any names because i don't need him knowing he's a part of this blog haha. it's not a crush i'm just so interested in getting to know him better - we have so much in common, we both love shows, both love the same kinds of music and were both kinda similar with things that have happened to us. im just not sure how to..get to know him he's rather wrapped up in trying to get with another girl that's sort of hurt him which is why i'm leaving it alone for the most part. right now i'm content just being single, it's kinda nice. i don't have to worry about yaknow the normal 'relationship' shit. i think it's best for now anyways. i really don't know where im going with this blog i never do anymore anyways. yeah im done here. :]

I'm gonna shatter - maybe it's for the best.

This week - huh a lot I can say about it. This may actually be a decent sized blog. Dunno yet. Guess I'll ramble about my days.

Monday - was glad to have it off. Didn't do much, thought about a lot of things. MLK day and all that.

Tuesday; we finally got our new president! After waiting so long - I was so happy. I swear it was a really really historic moment. I'm glad that Obama is now Mr. President. Amazing thing to say that I was alive when it happened.

Wednesday; Thought a lot, some major thinking about college. I've decided that it's in my best interest to not go to school in CA, I will still be applying for art schools here but I doubt I'm going to go to any. My eyes are set on Colorado and Utah. Not quite sure which state I'm going to end up picking (most likely Colorado) the art school there is amazing! I also did some thinking about past relationships I've been in and I've kinda realized - I need to stop trying so hard I guess. I put to much into things. Oh well also I thought about past friendships and even current ones. How many people I was friends with my Freshman year - then Sophomore, then Junior year. Crazy how people become friends then you fall out and never speak to the person again. Then you have people that you've known since 8th grade that change so much that you don't even know them anymore. It's really really crazy. I only consider about 5 people I go to school with to be best friends for life. People I know I can forever depend on. Those 5 people - you know whom you are.

Today; I'm starting to realize just how little time I have left in High School - June the 4th is the day I'm going to be walking on a stage and getting my diploma. God it's a crazy thought. Exciting, scary all at once. And well if the rumors are true, my school may close a week early because of the budget - so I may just get out on May 28th ah! It seems like it's far but I know it isn't. Time's getting faster and faster. I don't know what to do anymore.

Tomorrow? Is a hole new day - it could be good, could be bad who knows. I don't haha. There's a show though! I'm stoked for it. I love shows - honestly there the best thing every anyways, I feel I've written enough. For now at least.

After 8 years of shit.

We finally have change! I didn't get to watch as much of the inauguration as I'd wanted because of school but from what I've seen on the news it has moved me as a person. To see people in tears because of our new president. I'm glad that we finally have change. I'm glad that there is now a ray of hope & light for our country. We've needed it.

"Have faith in me"

This is the song I'm gonna live by for awhile.


have faith in me
cause there are things that i've seen i don't believe
so cling to what you know and never let go
you should know things aren't always what they seem

i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall and i always meant it
if you didn't have this chance then i never did
you'll always find me right there, again

i've gone crazy
cause there are things in the streets i don't believe
so we'll pretend it's alright and stay in for the night
what a world
i'll keep you safe here with me

i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall and i always meant it
if you didn't have this chance then i never did
you'll always find me right there, again

i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall and i always meant it
if you didn't have this chance then i never did
you'll always find me right there, again

they've got me on the outside, looking in
but i can't see at all
with the weight of the world on my shoulders,
they just wanna see me fall

they've got me on the outside, looking in
but i can't see at all
with the weight of the world on my shoulders,
they just wanna see me fall

have faith in me

i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall and i always meant it
if you didn't have this chance then i never did
you'll always find me right there, again

i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you fall and i always meant it
if you didn't have this chance then i never did
you'll always find me right there, again

i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you go, and i never did
i said i'd never let you go, and i never did

A Day To Remember;

Their new album.

Is what's getting me through today.

I feel like I've made 20 mistakes back and forth.

When all I did was apologize. Ugh. I fail at life or something.

I can't do anything right obviously. Fucccck.

I want today to be over with.

Tomorrow - I hope is a better day. I miss my friends.

I need to talk to Hali.

I need to vent

I need to cry

I need something

I just don't know what that something is.

My head it way to cluttered.

I'm watching my world break

oh how lovely it is.

Hm.

So I realize I hurt you - you found out that I'm interested in other people right? At least that's why I assume your hurt. I'm sorry for that; but I'm really tired of playing the relationship game. I commit my time and effort to someone only to get hurt. I love you but I'm not IN love with you anymore - sometimes I wonder did you even love me like you said you did? But that's okay if you didn't. I'm talking to people yeah but that doesn't mean I'm going to be with someone soon. I already know one person is out for me and the other I'm unsure of. I want to take my time with it anyways. Again I know I hurt you and I'm sorry but do you know how much you hurt me? I tend to think about you more than I should anyways and it bugs me. I don't want to stay stuck on you so maybe that's why I'm doing what I am. Again. Sorry.

Yess =] Feb 13th

My weekend

Friday; went to the show in modesto. Haha stupid shit how the security treated everyone. Fucking idiots and the venue calling CVHC a gang? Lmfao fucking gayasses.

Sat; went to stockton and this is where my comfort got tested, went to the hookah bar with a 'good' friend of course I didn't smoke I'm not a fucking sellout but watched her and her friend smoke and talk. Bored out of my mind so then this guy that know my friend & her friend that went with us - brings up a kickback. I tell my friend and the others I'm edge they say it's cool well I go to them cuz I don't have a choice and I'm around all these fucking idiots that are smoking weed and drinking. Gay ass fucking time - felt hella outa place. Then my 'good' friend tells me not to be so negative; wtf she dosen't know anything about my life; I'm never negative around my friends cause they RESPECT my decision about being Edge and don't take me to places like that. I felt awkward out of place, it sucked. NEVER doing that again - fuck that shit man I love my friends from Manteca/Modesto/Tracy you guys are HELLA better - fuck people like that.

Sun; FINALLY I'm home =] highlight of the weekend.

Back stabbed

Another new one? Fuck. I'm on a roll today. Was bored. Came up with this.
Ahh how Bring Me The Horizon inspires me.

'BESTFRIEND4LYFERITE?'

I thought we had something
you and I; I thought we had something
‘Best Friends Forever’ I branded that onto my heart
yeah we had something back then.

The days were good; no worries, no stress
we had it all back then. The world stood at our feet.
I remember the day you looked at me and said
“Forever friends, till the end”
Haha, motherfucker I should have know you were wrong.

[Chorus]
take the knife move it a little bit to the left
you missed a spot. Betrayal is written all over your lips
betray me - once again you betray me.
Take the knife, move it a little bit to the left
you missed a fucking spot!
[/end]

I remember who you were back in the day
your smile wasn’t a lie, your words were true
sometimes I think back and asked why I ever met you

LIAR! BACKSTABBER!

That’s what you are - did you think you could get away with it?
Did you think that I would look past it? I trusted you with
all that I had. Your nothing but a fucking low life.

NOTHING! DIRT! SHIT

that is what you are - liar liar liar!

[Chorus x’s 2]

[whispering]
stab me again, oh yes just how I like it.
I gave you my all [/end whispering]

and now I have nothing left. I want nothing more from you.
Now go! Leave me here to die like I’d always wanted to.
You killed me - is the knife deep enough? Whoops! I didn’t
mean for my back to land on your knife.

Current Feelings.

This song explains how I'm feeling.

'I wish you were here'

Band:Incubus

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy

I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here

I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembles a backlit canopy
With holes punched in it
I'm counting UFOs
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy...happy

I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
Wish you were here

The world's a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air saying:

I wish you were here
I wish you were

I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
Wish you were here

I'm really wishing things were different. But it's better this way I guess. I miss you - I miss calling you baby, I miss saying 'I love you' before we stop talking at the end of the night. I miss falling asleep to your text's to read one back that says 'Sleep well, I love you<3' - but I gotta move on from it - from you - from missing you. Guess that'll come in time.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

Hm where to start? I can write for hours right now about what's been running through my head and what I want to do about certain things. I'm holding my chin up but that's not helping the shit load of depression I've found myself sucked into again. I find myself now doing the same thing everyday. The song by Nine Inch Nails - Everyday is exactly the same; is oh so fitting for my life. Break I got up - got dressed got on the comp, sat there all day. Stayed up all night, did it over and over again. Now it's school - I get up; get dressed, go to the same classes, go home, do homework, get on the computer. I need change in my life - I'm not a person that runs from change I embrace it. I just want something to change. My head hurts - my heart hurts. Most of all I hurt. There are things I'm looking too this year - shows; lots and lots of good ones and concerts as well as my Benefit show Feb 13th. Senior project is going good minus the damn paper that I should be working on now - I just don't have the willpower at the moment. Besides I work best under pressure haha so tomorrow I'll be killing the rest of it. Senior year - halfway over; gonna be outa hell on June the 4th. I'm actually excited about prom - not sure if the person I wanted to take still wants to go; if not I can go with friends. Relationships; it seems I've met a lot of fake relationships not love relationships friend ones. Sad how fake people are now a days. Posers are everywhere it seems. This is actually my first post for 09 haha sweeet; rambling I do this often when I'm scattered; was in stockton yesterday for a bit and I ran into someone that fucked me up for 4 years. It was odd - he tried talking to me like he never did anything to me or my cousin. As scared as I was I talked back - hm why I didn't just walk away is beyond my own knowledge. Anyways - going to a show on Friday, Ares, Lionheart, Cuttin' Loose - cool shit. I'm done here.

- Vernisha