reminiscence

So the last few days I've been doing a lot of reminiscence with myself and my life. I remember when my day consisted of going to school - coming home, rolling a blunt and getting high. I remember when my weekend was smoking weed and drinking with 'friends'. It seems like such a long time ago that my life was stuck in a haze of weed, booze and people I thought were my friends. It wasn't that far back but it was far back enough for me to be happy that it's gone. 3 nights ago we were up texting - each other - I told you it felt odd telling you things; and then I found out that you of all people actually read this blog? Haha it kinda threw me off - Hm I can't stay on one topic for too long it bores me; right now I'm bumping some Chelsea Grin and thinking about my life; not that..Chelsea Grin makes me think about my life haha it's just what's on my itunes at the moment. I have a little less than 3 months to think about what I'm doing after high school - and it's freaking me the fuck out. I had everything planned out before and now I'm confused with what I want to do I just know I have to get out of my house that if I stay here much longer I'm either going to do one of 2 things - Kill someone or kill myself and I do mean that with 1,000% seriousness. Hmm the word 'addictions' keeps poping into my head as well as I said above I was thinking about my time spent on Weed and drinking - I didn't have a care then or a worry and I had control over something in a sense - Not that I'm ever going to go back to that FUCK that shit, I'm never going to sell out but I am human and I do get pressured by my own mind to just go out and smoke weed all day but I'm not going to do it because I don't need that shit in my life to make it better I realize that. But if any of you - who read this; if you know me well enough or if you've known me long enough then you know the struggle I had my freshman year with an addiction to pain; Cutting was my vice and don't fucking call me Emo! Goddamnit I wasn't emo then I'm not fucking emo now, I hate motherfuckers that call 'cutters' 'emo' FUCK YOU & your motherfucking LIFE. Okay moving on - that hole thing is coming back again IM NOT SAYING IVE STARTED CUTTING AGAIN check my arms dude there clean. The urges are because during that time in my life I had control over something; even if it meant hurting myself and right now i don't have control over anything in my life and I know I can't control everything I get that but before all the things that have been going on happened I had control and now I don't and it freaks me out. I don't know what to do anymore - I don't know what I need anymore and I - vernisha am fearful for the outcome of all the bullshit around me. I'm confused, angry, hurt, depressed - so far from happy that it feels like someones kicked me into a deep ass hole and yelled "HAVE FUN CLIMBING OUT" I'm not asking for anyone's help really I just have a lot on my mind & I have no clue how to fix or ease my mind so I can find some level of peace. The only peace I get now is when I sleep which is bad I know. Ugh okay this is long enough - still a lot unsaid and it'll probably stay unsaid.