There is nothing here anymore.

Empty.

Silence.

Vast.

Dark.

Alone.

Im tired

I'm tired of everyone saying there sorry for things they can't fix.
I'm tire of everyone saying there here for me. I GET IT. You can stop saying it now.
I don't need apologies - I don't need to know your here for me. I.Get.It.

& when was the last time..I slept?

I don't remember anymore. The nights are spent awake. Thinking - tossing and turning. Thinking - I believe that's all I do now. Thinking - more thinking. Trying to find a job as well. Ugh. So much is running through my mind. I owe Manuel a big thanks for showing me eatmewhileimhot! Kick ass band really - I've been listening to them like no tomorrow. Nothing to big to report now...I just want to be happy.

It's been a long time coming.

Haven't updated this thing in what seems like forever -- so much is going on now an time is moving by so quickly. But these last 2 weeks will forever etch themselves into my mind. I go to LA for a week with the help of -- the person I'm going to see; she sends me $100 dollars to help pay for my phone bill that was preventing my way there. Things get taken care of I go to LA, spend time with her have fun and whatnot come back home. Not 2 hours after I come back home I'm sat down and told my grandmothers liver is failing - the first thing that comes into my mind is "How much time do I have left with her?" Mentally I can not take losing her now - though I know one day she will pass on but I am not ready to let her go now. My anger to god? Has risen to it's highest peaks - need there be a god or not I'm sending him the biggest "Fuck you" in a box. My grandma has raised me since I was a baby - she didn't have to and yet she did, she was my mother, my father, my grandmother and my friend. For the last 18 years I've looked up to her and have worked to make her proud -- then I am told another thing. "Were trying to find your mother" Anger, confusion, a sense of being numb - all of it flooded me in less then 10 minutes of hearing everything. My mother left me when I was 4 - I was conceived to a prostitute who sold her body for drugs - that is how I was created and made. My grandmother took custody of me I haven't seen the woman that birthed me in years and yes for my grandmas sake to know if her daughter is dead or alive to tell her everything that's been going on - to just know I want my mother to be found but I? I am a cracking Dam that is ready to break with anger and hate to the woman I once called 'Mom' - I do not know how to take in these things. My time with my grandma is unknown 6 months - a year, five years 10+ years I don't know and I'm scared - look up keep things thinking on the good side right? that's hard very hard and knowing I may...see or hear from my mother makes me sick to my stomach and makes me shake with rage. And then..the day after I get back I've posted via Twitter and Myspace I'm not in the right mood - things are going wrong you my 'best friend' of 5 years texts me to ask "When are you paying me back" I told you when I was there Aug - you'll get your money back. You didn't text me asking if I was okay that day - if my grandma was okay hell you didn't even text me asking me if I got home safely - fucked up? Beyond that actually. I do not understand how you someone I thought once caring and kind could do that - at all. Have I lost respect for you? Yes, I was nothing but kind came to see YOU - used money I could have invested into a laptop for college to see YOU - but that wasn't enough was it? Yes I get you helped me out I was greatful for that - you'll get your money back still but as for our 'friendship' I am un-sure if that will ever be the same after this.