I try and try and try

but it seems the more I try
the deeper I fall.
the more I fall, the less I care.
I haven't hit this kind of depression in a few years.
The things I loved - even photography
is getting harder and harder to do.

I just don't care about anything anymore.
I hate it.
I miss being carefree
I miss not wanting to cry all the time.

Depression sucks -
today was my great grandmothers birthday - she died May 19th 2004.
I miss her. She was the rock that held my family together
and when she died we all drifted apart.
I'm doing good in school (odd)
I have all A's & B's which is a big thing for me.

I want to make my grandma proud and I'm really trying to do it.
I hate the fact that certain things remind me of someone.
I want to rid my mind of this someone.
I've been tattered and torn to many times.
I want something real this time.

Now getting it - is something that may
or may not happen. I never do get what I want.
I want to be selfish sometimes.
But I can never really be.
I want to sleep for forever.
But i'd be letting my grandma down.

I don't see a point in getting up in the morning
but I force myself to.
I'm kind of at a loss and I really don't know what to do.
I miss our friendship but I know it's never going to be the same.
I hate it. I'm lost in the sound of tension around me.

Depression wears off I guess.
My grandmas depressed and so am I.
I'll smile just so you know I'm really okay.
If you know me - you'll see through me.
I really wonder just - how sane I am.

I really need something. But I don't know what that something is.
If you can find that something. Give it to me.